Monday, August 31, 2009
10:53 PM Y
Well well. So much had happened recently. Life is just like a roller coaster for me. I couldn’t help but to hate it. I rather it’s going peacefully. I rather be bored to death.
Perhaps all those events, finally made me face up to things that I’ve been hiding and running away from. Things I’ve been ignoring thinking they would change for the better.
At least now, I’m wide awake here. Certain things in life really worth all my effort to hold on to. While a portion of them, are just so insignificant. For sure I know, those things that had been placed a great deal of importance had now turned to dust. Dust that the wind will come and bring them away. To somewhere, perhaps nobody would ever know. Nobody would be ever to piece them together.
I’ve got to admit. I regretted. Not because I placed my efforts in. But regret that, perhaps my efforts were never seen. Or maybe I didn’t try hard enough for them to be seen. Regretted that, maybe one shouldn’t be so silly to believe in certain things that were being said.
Humans are after all humans. Who wouldn’t like to hear nice comments? When on the other hand, we try so hard in our life to run away from those that were heartbreaking? Probably, I’m just not matured enough. There’s a lot of things that I have to learn. But sadly, I couldn’t bring myself to carry on this learning journey.
The journey that was once filled with laughters, colours and perhaps a bright future. But now the journey left, was nothing but paths of sadness. So why for continue? I’ve been asking myself, again and again. Why for? Because……… well I guess it’s no use saying those anymore. It doesn’t matter.
The most important thing I’ve learnt to let go. I’ve learnt that sometimes in life, when one masters the art of letting go, life will be much better. However, I guess I still have a long way to go. To perfect the art. But once I master it, life will be much simpler too.
Maybe then, I will be able to find what I’ve been looking for.
Sometimes I wish, the wind wouldn’t come. Then I would still be able to embrace on to the things that I once dearly love.
Nevertheless, there’s nothing in this world that wouldn’t come to an end. So what happens if it comes to an end? I can only smile walk away. Leaving everything behind. Because I know. We had all done our best. So there’s nothing to hold on to. But I would reminisce those happy times that were once so heartwarming, so endearing to us. I would smile and say thank you for everything.
It’s just not meant to be.
I’m fine =)) perfectly fine. Just suddenly have the urge to blog about these stuff.
Saturday, August 01, 2009
11:26 PM Y
hmm alrights. the previous story hit me hard and made me thik alot. perhaps many pple jus took things for granted. tat sounded so cliche. yet.... pple ard me, including myself, often 4get to thank and appreciate the things others had done for us...
i 4gotten to say mummy i love u everytime she does the housework, gives me pocket money, caring and teaching me the right morals in life.
i 4gotten to say daddy i love u for bringing us up. ur unconditioned love is something i can never ever repay.
well the two most impt pple in my life are the ones that i always took for granted.
not to 4get, all my caring frends... every1... who made my day, who took time out for me and stuff..
lastly mr xu for taking my non sense. well we shld both learn how to appreciate things.
i was struck by this qns the other day.... the person who cares less will be the one dominating the relationship.
well i beg to differ. to me, giving the most will leave me with no regrets. it will leave me with memories that i would keep dearly. if i have to play mind games wif the guy. well then so be it. i cant be bothered wif him. because i give my best, i obviously will be super raactive to the actions, decisions and emotions of the other. I would want the relationship to go in the direction i want. resulting me to be a super stubborn person. at the end of the day i would also be the one who hurt the most. but... if i dun fall, how will i grow? the pain would guide me to be a better person. well that's how i see it.
giving my best also meant that i'm bound for disappointment. but the dishearten feeling would allowed myself to grow... to become more independent... at the end of the day, i learn to love big, give big and leave proudly if it doesnt work out. there's nothing for me to lose. but if i decided to be the one who cares the least in the r/s, i guess regrets will be the only word left.
alrights so much for the night. =))
i wan to learn big and grow big!!!!! i wan more knowledge!! the more the merrier and i would wan to apply them in my work!!!! i wan to stay firm for my beliefs. my aim is to be a full accountant who earns half a million per month =))
11:21 PM Y
A super meaningful story i read.. take some time to read..
MARRIAGEWhen I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth.
But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage.
But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew.
I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release.
The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.
I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions... She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed.
So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.
Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears.
I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card.. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.
Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage.
